Summer Reflections

This past weekend was our last "beach" weekend for the season. Tomorrow is the first day of school. Skylar will start second grade, and my baby, Fiona, starts kindergarten. They are overjoyed tonight, antsy, anxious, nervous, excited, giddy and curious to know who will be in their classes that we haven't already figured out. But tonight brings a bittersweet feeling for me. I'm excited for both of them and the wonder of what this school year will bring. But I'm feeling a little sad, and a little sentimental. After all, my babies aren't babies anymore.

There are several things I've noticed this summer, so I think I should post them here for good measure and long memory.

Skylar Kelsey, age 6 and three quarters...
Skylar is still my sweet baby. Her eyes can sear right through me. Her smile -- although now a mish mash of baby and grown up teeth, some fully showing, others just making their way through -- lights up a room. Her giggle is infectious. Like her mother, she's a sensitive girl, very attuned to how we're feeling, and she's my best snuggle bunny. This summer more than ever I've noticed she shows affection often and oddly. She shows her emotions in a physical way. A poke in the side, a gentle whack on the arm, a little shake of the arm, a driveby smack on the rear. In making new friends, she's much more passive, tending to be more the follower than the leader.

Skylar is incredibly smart, but she has a very short attention span. As she gets older, it becomes more obvious that she needs both a lot of one on one attention, but also a lot of help staying focused and motivated. She does not like to sit down and do anything -- summer workbooks, practice math, telling time exercises, counting money. She sporadically reads books. She's a whirling dirvish. Yet, somehow, she is incredibly observant...she misses nothing -- be it a verbal uttering or a visual cue -- she's right there to notice. She's cautious, and tends to worry about a lot. She wants to help with everything.

As a budding gymnast and thanks to two weeks of gymnastics camp, she spends the majority of her time on her head, doing flips, cartwheels, splits, kickovers, backwards bridges and handstands. And by God, I think the girl has bigger, more toned muscles than I do -- all over her body.

Skylar is becoming a young lady. She'll be 7 in December, and she's definitely easing into the age -- but more like I eased into braces with rubberbands and headgear. She rolls her eyes at us. She's trying desperately to make her own way, make her own decisions and assert her will more than ever. Her hearing is becoming more and more selective. And she now stands with her arms folded across her chest, as if to say, "I'm so over the both of you." Her latest buzz phrase is "I don't always have to do what you say." She's desperate to get her ears pierced. She begs for high heeled shoes. She's totally over wearing cute little girl outfits. She's totally into pre-teen privacy. Check out the sign she has made for her bedroom door.


Fiona Ireland, age 4 and eleven twelfths...
Fiona is my cheeky baby. She speaks with facial expressions. Her eyes reveal a very deep and pensive girl. Her sweet lips guard a cherubic smile and often curl into a feigned scowl, just for effect. Her laugh is from the gut, bold and deep, quick and eternal. Her sense of humor is quick, sharp and yes, a bit sarcastic. She loves to tease anyone. She is extremely well-mannered, with a "please" and "thank you" on the tip of her tongue at all times. Her personality is magnetic, and it seems everyone wants to be around her. She quickly makes friends. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, quick to lash out when she's unhappy, but incredibly warm and caring...quick to offer a hug, pat you on the back or just hold your hand if she senses you're sad. She's incredibly curious. She asks questions about everything. She notices a lot. She draws her own conclusions, and offers her own thoughts on things she sees. Just as any budding kindergartener does, she's drawing distinctions, making connections and trying desperately to determine why things are the way they are. She's a definite leader -- quick to take over a playground, for example, the minute she sets foot on it. Everyone follows her around, yet, ironically, she rarely looks behind to see who's there. She's confident, secure and sure of who she is...and she perfectly content to be her own person on her own terms.

Fiona is I guess what you call seriously smart. Her vocabulary is sophisticated and sharp. Her imagination is incredibly vivid and active. One minute she's a mermaid, swimming the oceans and solving problems...then she's a fairy, whisking through the air visiting friends and animals...until she becomes a princess, singing love songs and waiting for her prince to come. She is incredibly content to be on her own, lost in her worlds, nary a care of who is watching. She can sit for an hour and entertain herself. And we she does, we hear her talking non-stop with imaginary friends, to her animals at the tea party, to her dolls in the carriage. She sings little songs, whispers secrets and makes sweet little sound effects for every adventure. And what strikes me is how deeply engaged she gets with her fantasies, with how intensely she's living every moment. You can tell that everything she experiences and does she experiences and does with intensity. She has very few fears. She crafted a sign for her door this summer, too.

A right young but accomplished rider, she's incredibly at ease around horses. One horse in particular, even on his fussiest days, seems to find comfort when Fiona's around. This summer she has, at just 4 years old, been tacking, steering and trotting on her own. We imagine this is one sport that will cost us dearly.

Fiona struggles with being the baby. She's only 21 months younger than Skylar, and sometimes, she fancies there no difference at all. She wants to wear make-up, jewelry and high heeled shoes (like her sister desperately wants to do, too). She doesn't understand what it means to be younger, because she's always desperately trying to be just like her sister. She likes to test boundaries and our patience. She likes to police her sister's every move. But she still cares how Mom and Dad feel about what she's doing, and always comes back to apologize and steal a hug -- like reassurance that everything's copacetic.

Milestones...
- Both Skylar and Fiona learned to ride their bikes this summer without training wheels. Skylar admittedly a little late; Fiona, no surprise, a little early.

- Skylar lost 3 teeth this summer. Fiona desperately wished to lose just one.

- Both have become quite good swimmers. Skylar a doggie paddler; Fiona a little back floater. Aimee and I have become those parents at the beach who can sit and read a book and not constantly be following children around.

And so we let another summer pass. But this time, I feel like it's really been different. For all of us. We all have changed this summer. And we're all, I think, still trying to get used to our new "us"es. For anyone who's reading, cherish every moment with your children, and notice every detail. Because if you don't, they might end up a little unfamiliar to you.

What's the world going to do with all these little divas?

This Slate.com story pretty much sums up what I've been living through lately as we prepare two girls for going back to school.

My wife and I tend to think we're a bit more on the progressive side as it comes to most things, parenting included. However, in recent shopping excursions to clothe the girls this fall, I've come to realize that maybe we're not so forward thinking. Or, perhaps society has become too forward in the way it views "little girls" and what's appropriate.

Nary an item has been selected, begged for or purchased that isn't somehow bedazzled with glitter, rhinstones, gems, shine or some other form of sparkle. And that's fine. They're girly girls. But some of the stuff that is being offered for little girls who are size 4 and up are just simply unacceptable.

We've seen slutty tops with halter necks and strappy things all over. Shirts with plunging necklines and gathering at the cleavage that you would expect to find for women, yet made for little girls. Fishnet stockings for a 5 year old. Shoes with massive platform heels and strappy buckles that go around the ankle for a 7 year old. Ripped jeans. Low rider pants...for a little girl.
I think I most object to the message tees. What parent in their right mind allows their child to choose and wear a shirt that says "Spoiled and Proud of it?" or any iteration of a message that otherwise indicates that the child is a brat, sarcastic or at all in touch with themselves as sex objects. We opted for a few at Gap Kids that say nice things like "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Smart Girls Rule." I was especially drawn to one at Children's Place that said "Be Different." These are the messages I want my girls to understand and to send to everyone around them.

What is society doing to children? We wonder why girls are getting pregnant at younger and younger ages, snatched or abused by predators in plain daylight, facing crises in body image and confidence as they grow up. Turning them from little girls into mini 20-somethings through fashion isn't doing anything to help the cause. Having a five year-old walk around with a shirt that communicates she's something other than a sweet little girl spreads the message that it's okay.

My wife and I like to think we're not doing anything to contribuute to that with our own kids, but there are times when we're reminded we can only do so much and that we don't control everything. My almost 5 year old daughter recently announced what she wants to be for Halloween: "a diva" and she said it with diva 'tude. We're dumbfounded. How does she even know what a diva is? Or that a diva has attitude? And she pointed to the costume in all of its diva form.

Am I overreacting?

To be a Man or a Dad, That is the Question

I just flew across the country and picked up a copy of Best Life magazine, where I found this story. It carries a subhead: "you don't have to enjoy playing with your kids to be a great dad," that has me wondering: how now brown cow?

The writer makes some bold statements that, out of context, really get me fired up:

"Bridling at being with children doesn't make you a bad father. It merely makes you a man."

"Some men are so robust and vigorous they can't--and shouldn't--get small with kids."

I'll let Mr. O'Neill off the "let me tell you something" hook, because he follows-up with:

"Rather than cramming your swaggering self into your kids' little world, sweep them into your roomier one. Take fewer trips to the playground and more to the hardware store...include them in the things you enjoy. Let them be a part of your man's world, rather than shrinking yourself to their size."

Ok, I'm on board, expose your kids to the things you enjoy, too. He understands it's important for men to spend time with their children. But then he says:

"My father didn't do games and he didn't do pretend and he had no patience for the goofiness of kids, and he didn't apologze for wanting be left alone from time to time. He was a man. He had a man's concerns, a man's plans, a man's demons...His self-possession was a come-hither to adulthood. He was fully engaged in his life...so he invited his kids to be intrigued by their futures."

Mr. O'Neill also says something that makes me think:

"One of the worst things you can do as a dad is play with your children when you really, really don't want to...because your lack of interest will leak through your insincere grin. Kids can pick up on the fact that dad is distant and seems kind of mad."

Maybe he's right. Are we doing more damage by pretending to like pretending?

We wonder why today's kids are getting older younger. Perhaps it's because we are always trying to drag them into our lives instead of cramming ourselves into theirs. Where Mr. O'Neill suggests an insincere smile or laugh (hmm...maybe while being "madeover" by your girls, complete with lipstick and nail polish) doesn't do any good for children, I'd argue that having to feign interest in the business of adults isn't good for them either. Sure, we can drag our kids to the hardware store because it makes us feel more like a man, but that kind of togetherness isn't necessarily mutually beneficial or positive. It's still self-centered, it's just in favor of dad, not kids.

Listen, I'm no champ when it comes to always doing the right thing as a dad, but it seems to me that a lack of interest in anything small or goofy--in the business of being a child--isn't the sign of a robust man. A man who bleives he is too big, too strong, too much of a MAN to leave the adventures of his life for the whiles of his children is not a man...he's a jerk. A real man does whatever he has to do to protect, nurture and provide for his family, even if it means getting down on the floor and playing dragon to the evil wizard.