To be a Man or a Dad, That is the Question

I just flew across the country and picked up a copy of Best Life magazine, where I found this story. It carries a subhead: "you don't have to enjoy playing with your kids to be a great dad," that has me wondering: how now brown cow?

The writer makes some bold statements that, out of context, really get me fired up:

"Bridling at being with children doesn't make you a bad father. It merely makes you a man."

"Some men are so robust and vigorous they can't--and shouldn't--get small with kids."

I'll let Mr. O'Neill off the "let me tell you something" hook, because he follows-up with:

"Rather than cramming your swaggering self into your kids' little world, sweep them into your roomier one. Take fewer trips to the playground and more to the hardware store...include them in the things you enjoy. Let them be a part of your man's world, rather than shrinking yourself to their size."

Ok, I'm on board, expose your kids to the things you enjoy, too. He understands it's important for men to spend time with their children. But then he says:

"My father didn't do games and he didn't do pretend and he had no patience for the goofiness of kids, and he didn't apologze for wanting be left alone from time to time. He was a man. He had a man's concerns, a man's plans, a man's demons...His self-possession was a come-hither to adulthood. He was fully engaged in his life...so he invited his kids to be intrigued by their futures."

Mr. O'Neill also says something that makes me think:

"One of the worst things you can do as a dad is play with your children when you really, really don't want to...because your lack of interest will leak through your insincere grin. Kids can pick up on the fact that dad is distant and seems kind of mad."

Maybe he's right. Are we doing more damage by pretending to like pretending?

We wonder why today's kids are getting older younger. Perhaps it's because we are always trying to drag them into our lives instead of cramming ourselves into theirs. Where Mr. O'Neill suggests an insincere smile or laugh (hmm...maybe while being "madeover" by your girls, complete with lipstick and nail polish) doesn't do any good for children, I'd argue that having to feign interest in the business of adults isn't good for them either. Sure, we can drag our kids to the hardware store because it makes us feel more like a man, but that kind of togetherness isn't necessarily mutually beneficial or positive. It's still self-centered, it's just in favor of dad, not kids.

Listen, I'm no champ when it comes to always doing the right thing as a dad, but it seems to me that a lack of interest in anything small or goofy--in the business of being a child--isn't the sign of a robust man. A man who bleives he is too big, too strong, too much of a MAN to leave the adventures of his life for the whiles of his children is not a man...he's a jerk. A real man does whatever he has to do to protect, nurture and provide for his family, even if it means getting down on the floor and playing dragon to the evil wizard.