"New Dads" Stand Proud

There is a lot of talk in the media and here in the blogosphere about "New Dads" -- men who are becoming more emotionally involved with their children, spending more quality time with them -- either playing, caring for or just otherwise being together. Often, at least it's reported, the "New Dad" is met head on by the "Gatekeeper Mom" -- women who want their husbands to be more involved in the parenting role, but who secretly resent their husbands when they DO get involved, manifested through criticism of how Dad holds the baby, how he can't dress the kids to save himself and the likelihood that he will feed them Skittles and Coca-Cola for lunch without proper instruction. Po Bronson has a really terrific site with commentary on the New Dad.

One post has me wondering: where were the fathers of the "Gatekeeper Moms" when they were younger? It could just be a sign of the times, but today's young moms were children of the late 60s and 70s -- a time when gender stereotypes were being challenged and redefined. So how is is that these women are clinging to the old rule that dad makes the money and mom takes care of everything else? Does liberation mean freedom to be chauvinistic about mothers being the only fit parents to tend to children and the home?

The way in which we define roles as parents has a profound impact on the children we're raising to be tomorrow's parents. If dads are expressing more interest in active parenting -- and I believe wholeheartedly that this is indeed the case -- isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't society encourage it?

The fact is, it seems the media like to write about it, and will acknowledge that New Dads are growing as a group, but sometimes there is a context that questions the New Dad's intentions, his masculinity, his ambition. We really need to think about our own roles as parents and then question why there should be gender-based definition at all.

I think back to my own childhood, and I fondly remember the times when my mom was the best "dad" in the world. She has always been the streetwise parent, offering practical advice and tips. In many ways, I grew up in a household where parental gender deifnitions were constantly being redefined. Sure my mom taught me how to cook, how to do laundry the right way and how to really clean a room. But it was also my mom who taught me how to paint a room, how to hang wallpaper (straight and matching), how to use most tools, how to change a lightbulb, how to replace a washer on a kitchen faucet, how to reset a blown circuit. She showed me how to dig a flowerbed, how to mulch a tree well, the best way to wash windows and mirrors without leaving lint (use coffee filters instead of paper towels), how to reset a sump pump, how to fix a toilet, how to replace an air filter, how to change an electric fixture (don't forget the wire caps), and how to use a jigsaw. She taught me how to spackle holes, let it dry and then sand it well before painitng. She taught me how to use a level. It was really my mom who taught me most of what society typically thinks a dad will show you how to do -- and I will be forever grateful for her passing on what probably seem like small things but end up being big life lessons. Every time I spackle a hole and paint a room I think of her.

So was my mom a "New Mom?" Did my dad resent her for doing what's typically a dad's job to do, at least if you want it done the right way? I never got the sense that either of them resented the other for sometimes blurring parental gender lines. And I think that's what has made me truly a "New Dad."

And lucky for me, my wife doesn't mind at all when I do the laundry, tie a hair ribbon or make lunch for my girls. And it's fine with me when she's the one who signs my daughter up for soccer or plays a game of catch with them.